Why I'm Here

Adults often joke about how younger people think they're invincible, how we live with the impression that nothing can hurt us because we're young and able-bodied. Sometimes we're guilty of being procrastinators. We put things off because we think, “Oh, I'm young. I don't have to start worrying about ___ until I'm 50.” I had that mentality for a long time too.

Then I got diagnosed with an autoimmune disease.

It was 3 years ago. I was 19 years old and sitting in pain in a rheumatologist's waiting room. I was the youngest patient there by at least 40 years, and the other patients were making me anxious with comments like, “But you're just a baby.”

“This doctor better find something wrong. If he brushes me off like the last quack, I'm gonna punch him.” I muttered to my mother, who was sitting next to me flipping through a magazine. Pain tends to make me cranky.

“Relax, just listen to what he has to say.”

I sat in silence, praying that this guy would finally figure out what illness had been plaguing me for the past 4 years of my life.

Finally it was my turn to see the doctor. After greeting me, he scanned my blood test results. “A normal person's inflammation levels are usually at a 5,” he said. “Yours are 13.6. No wonder you're in so much pain.” I handed him the x-rays that he asked me to go get after my first visit two weeks prior. He examined them quietly, then took my hands to feel the joints in my fingers and wrists.

He looked up at me then, and with a smile said,“Congratulations, you have Rheumatoid Arthritis. You and I are going to become best friends.”

It was a bittersweet moment. On the one hand, I now had an explanation for why I could sleep 20 hours a day ever day and still be tired, and why I could no longer type or climb stairs. That was a relief.

But now I had an incurable autoimmune disease to battle, one that would only get worse with age. Without getting too technical, having Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA for short) means that my immune system is attacking my body instead of germs and viruses. While my entire body is affected, most of the damage happens in my joints. 1% of the U.S. Population has this disease, and they think that it's a combination of genetic predisposition and environmental factors that trigger it. Don't worry, it's not contagious.

Basically, not a day goes by that I'm not in some sort of pain. When I get sick, it's usually pretty bad, since my body can't fight the infection. And someday (hopefully not anytime soon) I'll start seeing physical deformities. You can look up photos online if you want. I don't because they just spur a panic attack.

My entire life has changed since my diagnosis. I see the world differently now. I find humor in the smallest things. And I blog about it because, you know, I might go insane otherwise.