Exam Panic

Exams are a necessary evil for students. We all need to take them, and we know to expect them. How we handle them varies from person to person. Some will choose not to study and won't sweat the material. Others will study vigorously until they feel confident in the material. Then there's a select few that fall into the "let's panic about everything" category. I include myself in the panic category, but for different reasons than most people think. For me it has become so much more than just studying and passing a test.

The panic starts the second an exam is announced, with my inner monologue sounding something like this:

Is it going to be multiple choice? I hope it is. Please tell me it is. Oh God, what if we have to write an essay? Shit, what if the entire exam is an essay? Or multiple essays? Oh no, the Blue Books! She said Blue Books! I'm screwed. What if the weather is bad that day and I wind up flaring? Maybe I'll get lucky and it'll snow ten feet and Rutgers will deem it necessary to close the campus...

Since being diagnosed, exams have become more of an endurance test for me than anything else. First, there's the studying part. Chronic pain lessens my ability to focus. I once forgot how to spell my name during an exam, which was a pretty low moment for me. Even while studying, there are moments when my mind wanders to the sharp pain in my wrist, or my stiff neck, or the fact that I can't breathe because my immune system decided to attack my lungs right at that moment.

Then there's the night before the test, and try as I might to be asleep by 11pm, my immune system says, "Nope, time to toss and turn and be uncomfortable until 2 am." So then I start cursing at it, and shift around so much that the dog gets annoyed with me and goes in search of a more peaceful bed.

On the day of the test I'm cranky and exhausted. But the bigger problem is the fact that it's raining outside and my fingers keep locking up as a result. I can't give you a scientific reason as to why this happens (people tell me it's about barometric pressure) but rain heightens the pain. So now I need to start praying that my special pen designed for clumsy arthritic hands won't run out of ink because I'd never be able to write with a regular pen on a rainy day. Some days I get lucky and I can use a regular pen, but only for a short while. 

And finally, I get to the test. It's a test that requires three hours of constant writing. So I'm hunched over the paper, kink in my neck, hips locking up because I don't have the opportunity to get up and move around. More wandering thoughts.

I do feel sorry for myself sometimes. It happens to all of us. Then I realize that it could be a lot worse, that I should suck it up and be grateful that I'm in school in the first place. Besides, it's a much more rewarding feeling when that exam comes back with a good grade, because I know how much blood, sweat and tears literally went into it.